Daily Mail

Daily Mail, 12th March 2012.

A senior police inspector has revealed how a patrol car set aside for dealing with ‘non-urgent matters’ has been re-named the Facebook car.

The inspector, who writes a blog under the name Inspector Gadget, said that the ‘diary car’ was manned by a ‘hapless constable’ who had to drive from home to home listening to people whinge about threats made on the social networking site.

The cop said that after the announcement of new anti-stalking legislation by PM David Cameron last week the ‘Facebook Car’ would get so busy a dedicated ‘Stalking Car’ would also be needed.

The serving inspector – whose identity has never been revealed and calls the area he polices ‘Ruraltown’- said: “The Facebook car is officially called the ‘Diary Car’ or the ‘Pending Car’ (a patrol car which deals with non-urgent call outs’).

‘These cars consist of a hapless constable, a long list of calls which we on the response team couldn’t answer because, well, there’s only four of us.

‘Neighbourhood Constables have to drive from address to address all day, listening to endless tales of harassment on Facebook, threats by text and insults in the queue by the cigarette counter at the local Asda.

‘These jobs never go anywhere. When it comes down to it, no one ever wants to support any kind of prosecution.

‘Listening to these people is like watching the Jeremy Kyle show.

‘What they all want is attention. Attention from each other, attention from us, attention from their housing officer.’

He added: ‘Who exactly is going to enforce any new stalking legislation?

‘We no longer have the capacity to answer more than two calls at once most of the time.

‘Anyone on the frontline of the criminal justice system knows that within a month, the Ruraltown criminal underclass will all be reporting each other for ‘stalkin’ like’.

‘In addition to a Facebook Car, the poor devils in the Ruraltown Safer Neighbourhood Team will probably now have to have a Stalking Car.”

He said that a new stalking law – which he dubbed ‘Jeremy’s Law’ after the chatshow Jeremy Kyle – would simply eat up police resources when local yobs report each other for Facebook comments.

He added: ‘So now, when Wayne wanders around drunk, hiding in the bushes and shouting up at the flats about Jordan being a slag because she ‘went with’ his brother, the Facebook car can drop by and record it all as a case of stalking.

‘I will call it Jeremy’s Law.

‘Meanwhile, genuine stalking victims will probably be ignored, filtered out in the white noise.

‘Introducing new legislation while cutting police numbers and closing police stations. You couldn’t make it up.’